"The Golden State always shines in my mind with its warm sunshine. It was the place where I experienced a carefree childhood. The memories I have from time spent in creative pursuits and imaginative play are safe and remind me of what it can feel like to live outside of fear and worry. California was open and expansive. I left myself there, seperated from my nine year old self. What I became in Texas was a shell of what I was."
-Christina Towery
The above seems a little dramatic I suppose. However, it is something I have been really thinking about. Recently, I have been wrestling with trying to find my true self. I struggle with the continual need to morph into the version I think people want to see. I am obsessive trying to get people to like me. In fact the thought of someone not liking me is almost unbearable. The sad thing is that I have become so detached from myself and who I truly am. In my college speech class, my speech teacher explained to the class that there are two camps of thought on who a person truly is. One says that a person is nothing more than an onion. Layer after layer being peeled away leaving nothing in its core. The other was that of a fruit that has a core. You can strip away all the outside but are left with something. I believe the latter, but I have lived my life as if the first is true. Through reflection and therapy, I believe that the core of who I am was not packed for the journey from California to Texas as a nine year old. I gave up who I was in an attempt to fit in in my new environment and culture. My habitual need to be accepted led to a legacy of poor decisions and a lack of self-care that chipped away at my true self. At 45, I am now on a journey to try to identify who I truly am. I want to reconnect to that free-spirited, barefoot, freckle-faced, strawberry blond wild hair girl, so sure of herself and always seeking out adventure with a flair for the creative. I never really was sure what this blog should be. BeyoutifulTrek has become a journey to me. I knew that was the direction I was going, but I never fully embraced it. I mean what if you as the reader don't like me? My biggest fear coming to fruition. However, I am beginning to understand that it doesn't matter really if anyone likes me. I walk this journey with myself each day. I need to begin to start liking myself. I need to start honoring myself. I need to stop paying the price for acceptance at the expense of my truth. So this is what my blog is about. It is about reconnecting with the self I left behind 36 years ago. My bags are packed. Let's get going!
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